Labyrinth — Retention-as-a-Service

The product (avert your eyes)

Labyrinth is a drop-in retention SDK. One line of code replaces any app’s “Cancel subscription” button with a certified nine-stage Sorrow Funnel™. We handle everything: the confirmation screens, the guilt, the surprise discounts, the 34-question exit survey, and — for enterprise customers — physical mail requirements with configurable notarization.

Core features, each of which our lawyers made us describe as “an engagement enhancement”:

• The Sorrow Funnel™ — nine escalating stages between the user and freedom, each A/B-tested for maximum wilting.
• Brenda™ — our AI retention agent. She is so glad you called. She has a family, and she will mention them. She has been trained on 40,000 hours of the phrase “I completely understand, however.”
• The Cancellation Window — cancellations accepted only on alternate Tuesdays, 2:00–2:15 a.m., local time of our headquarters, which moves.
• Win-Back Reset — accepting the “80% off forever*” offer silently resets the maze. The asterisk resolves to “for one billing cycle.” The maze remembers you.
• Grief-Based Pricing — our billing engine detects hesitation via cursor telemetry and raises the exit difficulty accordingly. Wavering is a conversion event.
• PaperTrail™ (Enterprise) — requires a mail-in cancellation form. The form is available exclusively at a kiosk. The kiosk is in a different state. The kiosk is out of forms.

Live client console. MegaGym Plus asked us to make stage 5 longer. We said no. They offered money. We said yes.

Why it will absolutely work (look away)

Every subscription business on Earth has a dashboard with one red number on it: churn. We turn that number grey. Not green — grey, the color of a customer who has stopped struggling. Our pilot client retained $2.31 million in revenue from users who, when surveyed, described themselves as “still subscribed, I guess” and “tired.”

“We don’t keep customers. We keep subscriptions. The customer is free to go at any time. Emotionally.” — Cassandra Vex, from a keynote she gave uninvited

The integration is one line of code. The uninstall process, in a twist our engineers describe as “thematically consistent,” is currently 40 lines, two support tickets, and a phone call. We didn’t plan that. It grew.

What happens if you don’t stop us

• September 2026 — SDK publishesThree gym chains integrate on day one. You know which ones. You’re picturing them right now, and you’re right.
• Q4 2026 — Streaming tierCancelling one streaming service will automatically open a chat window with the retention departments of the other four.
• Q1 2027 — Brenda goes multilingualShe will be so glad you called in 41 languages.
• Q2 2027 — Labyrinth for UtilitiesWe were told this was legally impossible. Our counsel now uses the phrase “legally improbable,” and she’s smiling.

Why you should fund our non-existence

You cannot boycott Labyrinth — you will never buy it. Your gym will. Your streaming service will. The meditation app you forgot about, the one still charging you $12.99 a month? It pre-ordered two licenses. The only vote you get on this product is right here, denominated in dollars, before September 24.

Hit $120,000 and Cassandra deletes the SDK, releases the 214 beta volunteers (they will be individually walked to the exit), and open-sources one (1) genuinely useful thing as penance: a library that makes Cancel buttons bigger.

Meet the anti-founder

Cassandra Vex spent a decade designing airline checkout flows, where she invented the pre-checked travel-insurance box that re-checks itself. Her personal website has no way to close the newsletter popup; she considers this “a portfolio.” She holds two patents and, in her words, “several grudges.”

Asked why she came to KickStopper, she said: “Every company wants my skills and no one wants my name on the invoice. Fine. Pay me to stop. It’s the only honest transaction in this industry.”